Interview with Kezia Noble - expert dating coach for men
Calling all wannabe Casanovas...
If you're going on a Prague Stag Do weekend and you're single, then you'll probably want to meet some lovely local ladies. But what if you're not a natural seducer? Well we have just the woman for you: Kezia Noble.
Kezia Noble is a leading dating coach and attraction expert for men. Author of best selling book ’The Noble Art Of Attracting Women’ Kezia offers a wide range of workshops and online products that help men achieve success with women in all areas.
Find out more here: www.kezia-noble.com.
Kezia was kind enough to sit down and have a chat - via Skype - about her how she became a dating coach, the principles of 'game', and a few tips how to get laid if you're out with the lads on a stag weekend! It's a must for all wannabe Casanovas out there!
How did you get into this 'line of work', as it were - what's your background?
It was back in 2006. I was approached by a guy who told me he was a 'Pick up Artist'...and I just thought, what is that? I didn't know what it was. He explained to me that he taught guys how to pick up women, and my first reaction was: "Listen, you can't teach attraction...it's not a choice. And you can't create chemistry either". His answer was, in a kind of 'oh ye of little faith' way: "I'm running a bootcamp this weekend, where I'm teaching a group of guys how to pick up women - going from zero to hero." So he told me to come along, and said that if I wanted to give some feedback to the guys I could.
I was very intrigued by the whole thing, so I went there there were some things I took away from it. First, that there were actual techniques that you could pass on, in a step-by-step way, that helped guys get laid with women. There were parts that I thought could be done better, parts I thought were a bit misogynistic, a bit archaic. They were saying things that I didn't agree with like: "An indicator of interest are when her feet are pointing at you." Or if she folds her arms, she's closed...other things like that.
The second thing I noticed was there was no honest female advice. The girls there, they were just being nice. They were just saying things they thought the guys wanted them to hear. I just thought: these guys are not getting their £600, or whatever it was, worth - to hear that generic BS advice. So I gave my feedback, got my coat - expecting to see pitchforks. But actually they were lining up, wanting to book a one-on-one session. I really think they'd never had such a kind of honest assessment by a female mind.
So challenge accepted: I coached 2,000 guys...I really earned my stripes, earned my medals. And then a publishing company contacted me, and gave me a book deal. Then I launched my own company, to coincide with media attention from the book...now I run a company of 25 people, we run a regular bootcamp, I've got a whole range of products available.
Don't you think though, that this Pick Up Artist thing is a bit overblown? - I mean, in my experience, if I feel good, optimistic...I usually meet someone very quickly.
Well that's what we call a natural, not to toot your horn - if someone is very relaxed around women, if they can hold a conversation. If he's got not problem with flirting and showing it, if he's got a positive association with women and dating; if he has positive reference points...that's probably not someone who needs our help. We help guys who don't have positive reference points with women, guys who struggle with nerves...which is a lot of guys!
What about 'supply and demand': if you're at university - or in your early twenties, you go out more...so you're more likely to meet women. But if you're 35 your options for going out are limited, you don't want to be the old guy in the club? Do you think there's something in that?
Absolutely. I think supply and demand is a very big factor. But you know, a lot of guys come to us from big cities, they come from London, or New York...some do come from the middle of nowhere. But saying that Online Dating is changing everything, and it's increasing among the young. So they're going to clubs and bars [to meet women] a lot less than they used to. I mean it's different for me, I'm 35 - and for my generation, that was the only way you could meet guys.
But now people spend much more time at home, they're interacting on the internet, they're setting up dates via the internet. So I think, because of that, supply and demand has sort of levelled out. I've done a book 'Online Dating Success for Men' and that's my second-best selling product. Which I think is indicative of the fact that guys are just not getting the results they want from online dating.
Don't you think there's some opportunities to meet people 'the old way' - I mean, if everyone's meeting online...don't you think it's more spontaneous, more of a surprise, if you chat someone up that you haven't already first met online...?
I am I'm all for that - I'm not a champion of it [online dating] I just know how to help guys get excellent returns from their online dating strategies, or profile pictures, or messages. I'm good at telling them, 'look this is what you do when you're on the date'. You've got to be a full three-dimensional person...and when you meet somebody that's when you see the real person. That's when you notice their eye contact, body language, general behaviour...
What about how to present yourself, do you give any advice on how to look?
No, no. I don't want people to say, 'What should I wear?' I usually say, 'Well, what do you like wearing?' You've got to own it. You've got to be totally unapologetic with that. I mean, if a guy wants to be smarter, and doesn't think what he's wearing represents himself...that's one thing, but I think you've got to be very careful not to mess about with people's own personal expression. I know a lot of guys who get on very well with women, they're naturals. They're eccentric, they're a bit odd...they wear eccentric things. But they own it. They don't give two figs what anyone says, and that's very attractive to a woman. So I don't care about looks, looks are immaterial - I teach game.
Kezia Noble is a top dating coach expert.
Do you think 'game' has to keep up with the times? It seems to me there is a substrata of the PUA scene that just sees 'game' as a way of going back to the 1930s or something.
Listen, you know...what women desire in a man has not fundamentally changed. Not the main principles. A woman wants a man who has a strong reality, unapologetic about himself or his choice - the trajectory that he is on, as a man. They want somebody who's consistent, who has certainty in his actions and is his words, and who can take the lead. Now you may say that's antiquated, or even prehistoric. But I'm telling you: it hasn't changed at all.
What's very important, and I don't give two hoots what any feminist has to say - because if she disagrees with this, she's a liar - a woman has to respect a man before she can be attracted to him. It's impossible otherwise. A man can be attracted to a woman and not respect her. But a woman can't. She can't be attracted to him before she has a level of respect for him.
What about 'approach anxiety'?
Well I've got lots of stuff to help with that! Approach anxiety is very much due to what we call 'outcome dependency'. What that means is, you see the girl and you think: 'Okay, I want to get her number, I want to sleep with her...' I mean if you make that decision, if you're a guy with 'a plan' it sounds very Alpha - but you're actually putting a lot of pressure on yourself. You're coming at it from a position of weakness. If, for instance, you look at a girl and say...'okay, she's a six until she proves otherwise to me. Until she proves she's got the qualities that mean most to me, all women are a six...if you really believe it, it can definitely translate through your body language. And effectively it's mind management, you have to control those thoughts.
Another thing is, you give her marks out of ten - in your mind - then you look at two ways she could improve herself. You could say, this woman could be a 10 but she's wearing those stupid shoes. Or you don't like the way she's chewing gum...I mean it's not offensive. It's about controlling what you think, it's about not getting carried away - thinking she's a 10. You need to manage those thoughts. If you see a beautiful woman in the street, and you say to yourself 'Wow, that's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen,' you're putting way too much pressure on yourself. You're putting yourself in a vulnerable position. You're setting yourself up, almost.
Okay a (final) stag related question: do you think it's an advantage or a disadvantage being in a stag group in, let's say, Budapest or Prague - if you want to meet girls?
Yeah, people are going to have a preconception about who you are. The thing is, and I talk about this a lot, we all have a preconceived idea about people who we meet. So if you meet a girl who, for instance, is wearing a very provocative outfit - you're going to presume she's not very intelligent...and it's wrong but it is going to be a reaction. You'll say, 'okay, she's going to be pretty easy, not too smart, probably likes rich men.' Everybody has to go through this: I mean the girl [who sees you in a stag group] is going to think, 'Well he's in a stag group, he's out for a laugh, can't take him too seriously.' Rich guys get it, short guys get it.
My advice would be: that's brilliant. Because when someone has a preconceived idea about you, and you shatter that belief you can capture them. Capture them physically and emotionally. Let's say a girl: platinum blonde hair, boobs out, tight mini-skirt and then the guy says 'What do you do?' And she answers: 'I'm studying 17th century German poetry at Oxford'. Then that's it: he's hooked! That would be cool if she was a serious looking girl, but in this case this is even cooler...this shows she is a multi-dimensional person. So if a guy's out with a stag do, and a girl sees him - and it brings up all those associations in her mind - but he says something to her that makes her say 'hold on'...it's a very good way to hook someone.
That's what I teach: pattern breakers. If someone assumes something about you based on who you're with, or what you're wearing...but then you say something that unbalances that view, it can be a very strong way to attract them.
Well if you enjoyed our interview with Kezia Noble check out her website (link above). And if you're looking to try out some game on a stag weekend, contact us, and we can hook you up with adventure that will go down in legend!
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